I managed to resist the urge to use crack for a while now and haven’t had the internal battle that I used to have when I craved a hit.
I was almost certain that it was all over, that I am done with this drug and my thoughts would remain free from it as well.
A few months later the unthinkable happened, I realised that the little angel and little devil were at it again.
The little devil as usual trying to persuade me to go back to my addictive behaviour by any means and the little angel trying to protect me from the destructive self that I have been.
LD: Little Devil LA: Little Angel
LA: 4 months now, you’re doing great buddy, just stay focused.
LD: What’s good my homie? Looking good. I understand we don’t do drugs no more, so let’s get a beer instead.
LA: Beer? Don’t start. You won’t be able to think clearly after drinking, that’s how you end up buying drugs.
LD: Look, you have freedom of choice. Come on, don’t you miss the good old days?
LA: Good old days? Are you even serious?
LD: The fun you had before. Come on, you’ve been listening to LA for months now and look how boring your life is.
LA: Fun? You got into trouble; you stole, ended up in jail cells, then in a mental institution for 3 months. Where is the fun in that?
LD: Adventure! Life’s ups and downs.
LA: Downs. Life’s downs. You’re an addict in recovery; alcohol will only trigger your bad habits.
LD: I know you, you want some, I know you can feel it too, stop fighting it.
LA: Keep fighting it, you’re doing great.
LD: Come on, a little triple threat; alcohol, crack and cat.
LA: That’s at least P600.00, don’t do it, you need to fix your phone, that’s more important.
(Freedom of choice! A gift or a curse; until we stop and listen to ourselves. Often we are so caught up that we don’t have the chance to listen to ourselves, we are too stuck with what people want/expect of us. Will we ever be able to make the right decisions and be able to live freely?.)
LD: Yo, look man, you’ve gotta get up. This angel thing isn’t you. Don’t you miss being bad? You got your phone fixed, all you need to do is make one phone call, and you know they deliver. For old time’s sake.
LA: Nope! I heard it all. You are doing great, all you have to do is stay focused and work hard. Don’t let that devil lead you astray.
LD: Don’t you dare try force him to be someone he’s not.
LA: Remember when you were growing up, before you started using drugs? THAT’S the real you.
LD: Look man, you can’t just be popping up out of nowhere and start killing my vibe.
LA: You don’t have to be a “bad boy” to be cool to others or for people to like you, you know this already.
LD: No one will know, just us. Independence passed and we didn’t do anything, let’s end November with a bang.
LA: You need groceries, new clothes, transport, and emergency money.
LD: Mmmm, I feel like a drink.
LA: Get a Sprite.
LD: Mmmm, Black Juice.
LA: Something non-alcoholic, like Oros.
LD: Urgh! Do what you want then, I am out of here!
Using drugs is like being in a toxic relationship; where you give your partner your all and all they do is take and take, giving nothing in return except pain and loss.
It has complete hold over you, there is no waking up one morning and simply walking out, you find yourself too weak and dependent to break that hold.
I know my tomorrow is not promised but with the help I am getting I will wake up and take this on every day.
I want better and I will not give up!
Fighting addiction has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, ever since I stopped using drugs, I crave them more every day.
I smile on the outside and put on a brave face but deep down it is a daily struggle.
I avoid talking about it with others because I fear it will affect how they look at me and they may judge.
Even as I was writing this, I was craving.
Falling into the habit is very easy but kicking it is extremely difficult.
If you think that you might have a substance abuse problem, or if you have a friend or family member who does, we encourage you to seek help.
You can find BOSASNet on Facebook, visit us on www.bosasnet.com, or call us on 3959119 or 72659891 for more information.