Home » Ask Gase » ASK GASE 27.06.2014

WomenIS THIS LOVE OR JUST A WASTE OF TIME?

DEAR GASE,

I am a young lady aged 28 and started dating when I was 17, but have had nothing but bad luck with guys ever since.

My first boyfriend (the father of my 8-year-old boy) cheated on me continuously and was abusive at the same time.

He had many girlfriends and when I was away on a maternity leave he cheated on me and even had a baby with a sugar mum.

But I accepted the baby and we continued with our relationship.

I moved to another town and within 7 months he and the same sugar mum were expecting their second baby.

Later he came to me apologizing for his mistake and again I accepted him back. But still he was not faithful.

We parted ways after I realized that all I got from him was heartache.

After that I started dating and parting ways with different guys who were also unfaithful to me.

Then last December I met this South African guy.

Everything seemed fine for a while but later I realized he was also cheating on me.

I asked him but he denied having an affair even though I had proof of the relationship.

What hurts me the most is that I’m now carrying his baby, but all I get from him are lies and more cheating.

Nowadays he is not willing to come to Botswana he wants me to always travel to his home country and I wonder if he will come to visit his baby when s/he is born.

He is also in the habit of not taking my calls and not responding to my texts.

I don’t have hope in relationships any longer and wish to sign out and live a single life as I can afford to pay my bills without any help from any one.

I’m tired of being hurt time and again. Please help me out of this dilemma.

GASE SAYS..

If you were not pregnant I’d suggest you take a break from relationships for a while.

But now it’s s no longer just about you regardless of what happens in your current relationship, you’re going to have allow your boyfriend to be a part of his child’s life if he so wishes.

I hope you two can still work things out or at least discuss your child’s future like mature people.

As for your ex, the father of your son, I’d say it was goodbye, good riddance.

It’s a pity you had to take all that cheating and abuse before you took a decision to leave him.

No one is perfect and it’s all very well to forgive, but in your case I think you really need to differentiate between being a loving/forgiving partner and being a doormat for your partner to wipe his feet on.

Your current boyfriend is cheating on you, yet you choose to look the other way. How is this working for you?

The fact is, unbeknown to you, all this could easily send the wrong message that you’re willing to accept being cheated on and abused emotionally.

Rather than bottle up your feelings, it’s better to express your frustrations and hurt frankly to your boyfriend, otherwise you run the risk of carrying a lot of bitterness and anger even into your next relationship.

I suggest you take a good look at yourself to check if you’re not in some way contributing to the problem.

Is there love in your current relationship or are you just wasting your time, you ask.

I think you know the answer to that, but give it a bit more time and believe me, you won’t have to ask me!

For assistance, I suggest you call New Perspectives on 73888898 or 3184344 for an appointment they will be able to help you unpack any issues that need to be tackled as well as assist you to come up with a suitable relationship management plan.

WE’RE ONLY TOGETHER BECAUSE OF THE KIDSMatters-of-the-heart

DEAR GASE,

I’ve been married for eight years and have two children aged seven and four.

When I first met my husband he made me laugh and was kind and loving. But over the years he’s become moody and irritable and never shows me any affection.

We both work hard at our jobs and raising the ­children, and while I find it very tiring I love having a family.

My husband, on the other hand, seems to hate it. He’s always shouting at me and the kidsand he’s happiest when he’s away from us. We never do anything as a family.

We haven’t had sex in over a year and all we do is argue and compete about who is more tired.

I don’t think I love him any more and I don’t think he loves me, either.

During arguments we’ve admitted to each other that we’re only together for the sake of the kids.

The thought of breaking up my family and putting the children through a ­divorce is heartbreaking, but I’m not sure I can stay in this ­loveless marriage any more. what should i do?

GASE SAYS..

I think you need to schedule a time where you sit down without any interruptions get a babysitter, get away from the home, and talk honestly about how you feel.

Stay calm and try not to get into an argument. Sometimes couples can lose each other in life especially when they have busy jobs, kids and houses to run.

And it sounds like you need to find each other again.

When you talk, figure out if there’s enough love left to save the marriage or whether it has gone.

If you think you can salvage your marriage then you need to work out how you’re both going to change things going forwards.

However, if it’s the end of the line for you both then hopefully you can make it as painless as possible for the sake of your children.

Even if you aren’t good partners, it doesn’t mean you can’t be good parents.

OK, so a divorce was never in your life plan but people do it every day and get through it.As long as your children feel loved and secure, they’ll survive unscathed.

Despite all the horror stories you hear about the damage divorce does to children, it’s not that bad, especially if you handle it properly.

It’s certainly better than watching two parents who hate each other fighting and arguing all the time.
Good luck.

 

WeddingHE DOESN’T WANT MARRIAGE

DEAR GASE,

I’m 23, my boyfriend is 24, and we have been together for five years.

We live together and for a few years now I’ve been asking him about having children and getting married because I feel there’s no commitment on his side.

He just keeps saying “No” and now I’m running out of ideas.

GASE SAYS..

You have done a lot at a really young age – you’ve been with him since you were 18 and you live together, too.

Has he ever come up with a reason for not wanting to take those next steps?

If not, you need to sit down together and have a serious discussion about what each of you wants for your future.

He might not want those things yet or ever but he’s too afraid to admit it to you.

He’s only 24 and has already been in a serious relationship for five years maybe he feels trapped or that he’s missing out.

Have an honest conversation and be prepared for the answers.

 

I’VE GAINED WEIGHT AND LOST LOVEstressed

DEAR GASE,

I’ve been dating this guy for almost 18 months, and I know he’s cheating on me.

He says it’s my fault because I gained around 11kgs since we’ve been together.

I don’t even want to look in the mirror anymore because I feel so fat and ugly. We haven’t had sex in a few months.

My boyfriend says he’ll pay for me to go to South Africa to get an operation just so he can touch me again. I do love him, and I think once I lose the weight we’ll be back to normal.

The worst part is the more he stresses me about being too fat, the more I eat. And yes, I used to be a pretty woman.

Should I let him pay for the surgery?

GASE SAYS..

I have a quick way for you to lose about 86kgs get rid of your so-called boyfriend. You deserve better!

The best surgery is to cut this “man” loose. When a woman gains that much weight in such a short period of time, she is trying to build a wall around herself. You don’t feel safe in your skin or in your world.

It’s time to get physically and emotionally healthy and learn to love your body for you!

You need support and a healthy dose of love self-love.

Your new daily affirmation should be “I am bombshell beautiful and worthy of love.”

Stand naked in front of a mirror every morning and find five things to praise about your impressive and beautiful body.

Stop trying to stuff down the heartbreak with food. Nourish your body with healthier meals.

Yours is an emotional hunger, not a physical one, and if you’re eating to satisfy an emotional need, you’re more likely to keep eating, which can leave behind feelings of guilt.

See a specialist or dietician for help and advice on how to lose weight.

There is also an interesting page on facebook I have discovered check out Botswana Weight Loss Training Challenge. They give 72372919 and 73729052 as contact numbers.

 

 

 


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