Home » Ask Gase » ASK GASE 13.06.2014

unnamedSHE IGNORES MY TEXTS AND DOES NOT ANSWER MY CALLS

DEAR GASE,

Just recently my girlfriend started behaving in a strange manner.

She does not answer my phone calls especially when she has gone to spend the weekend at her home village, but refuses to give reasons why.

She ignores my text messages and then over reacts when I ask her to explain.

We are in a long distance relationship and we communicate most often by phone.

Recently I arrived at her place unannounced and she was panicking, arranging and re-arranging things in her bedroom.

I found some used condoms hidden in the wardrobe.

We were planning on getting married but I’ve now lost trust in her although Istill love her and don’t want to end our relationship.
Please help – what should I do?

GASE SAYS..

People do not just start behaving strangely for no reason.

If she’s suddenly not picking up the phone when you call her and she ignores your text messages, then ‘something fishy’ is most certainly going on.

That’s why she over-reacts when you want an explanation.

You need to make her realize that you have a right to know why she’s behaving like that, just as much as she would have the right to ask for an explanation if you were behaving in a similar fashion.

How did she explain the used condoms hidden in the wardrobe, or would you rather pretend that you didn’t see them?

And why on earth would someone want to keep used condoms in the wardrobe?
That you’ve now lost trust in her is a matter that needs to be addressed immediately, seeing as you still love her and want to continue the relationship.

It’d be better if you two had an honest and open discussion to sort out whatever issues are bothering either one of you.

You really need to get answers so that you can start to rebuild that trust.

Are you ready to forgive her if she cheated or is cheating on you?

Are you convinced she can change, or are you prepared to accept her and live with her exactly as she is?

These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself.

MY FORMER BOYFRIEND IS THREATENING MEthreatened

DEAR GASE,

I am a lady of 28and have been in a relationship with a 30-year–old guy for the past eight years.

We have two children together.
In the lastthree years of our relationship he cheated on me more times than I can count…and always, I forgave him.

Then he impregnated one of his girlfriends and didn’t tell me about it for some time.

Whenhe later admitted it, I still forgave him.

Now I realize that at the time I didn’t know what I wanted – this guy was abusing me emotionally and I didn’t see it because I told myself that I loved him.

In all the years we have been together I have NEVER cheated on him, yet he often demanded to check my phone just to see if I had any other boyfriends.

I was unemployed, stressed, unhappy, and didn’t have any friends, male or female, at the time.

Then in 2012 I got a job and started making friends. Whenever we were together and my phone rang he would demand to know who called and what they were looking for.

He would shout at me and accuse me of having too many male friends, saying that my colleagues and friends should not call when he was around.

Five months ago I told him that I wanted out of the relationship.

He was so furiousand demanded to know who mynew guy was refusing to believe that there was no one.

Ever since that day he has never come to see the kids or me, but tells me that I have wasted his time and phones in the middle of the night making all kinds of threats, including death threats.

I don’t love him anymore… I made it so clear to him.

Now that he doesn’t want to leave me alone I’m living in fear and stress again and don’t know what to do. Please help me.

GASE SAYS..

Like so many other Batswana women you allowed yourself to be used and abused for too long before it finally dawned on you that you had no future with this guy.

He got so used to getting his way with you, abusing you emotionally, that he probably thought you were going to remain helpless and at his mercy forever.

Now he can’t believe you had the guts to end the relationship…of course he wants to continue controlling you, that’s why he has resorted to threats.

You did the right thing not to cheat on him because he was just waiting to catch you at it so that he could use it against you.

It’s a good thing you denied him that satisfaction!

If he’s that abusive and you do not love him anymore, it’s really for the best that you brokeup with him.

He can’t say that you dumped him for another man, because you did not rush into a new relationship after you broke up with him.

The way I see it, this guy gets a thrill out of keeping you prisoner emotionally.

Tread carefully as you deal with his latest antics.

He sounds like a potentially dangerous guy, so you need to be extra careful not to fuel his anger.

Be firm about what you want,but make sure you do not belittle him or do/say anything that will give him an excuse to take his anger out on you.

You were with him for all those years so you know what sets him off and what doesn’t.

What you really need is for him to get a life and let you be.

If he doesn’t want to leave you alone and is hell bent on making your life miserable, seek the help of your family elders or report him to the authorities if need be.

The police take threats to kill very seriously…and you should too, if you don’t want to leave your kids motherless.

You can’t allow this guy to keep you in a perpetual state of fear and stress.

It’s not a good place to be in because the stress will eventually lead to serious health problems if you allow it to continue.

Your ex must know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Women’s Shelter, EmangBasadi, the policeor a lawyer, are some of the places you can go to for advice.

There’s no longer any room for reconciliation, so say so in no uncertain terms so that there can be no confusion.

MY MAN HAS A DRINK PROBLEM

DEAR GASE,

I’m currently with a guy that I love very much.

He’s a very smart guy who is intelligent, but he’s in serious need of help.

This guy never buys anything valuable for himself – all his earnings are spent on alcohol.

It seems all his attention is on abusing alcohol and drugs and as a result he has no time for our relationship.

This is really stressing me a lotbecause I love him so much.

I tried my best to help him overcome this problem of drinking but nothing seems to be working.

I participated in the alcohol and substance abuse campaign, after which I did my best to share information with him about the hazards of drug and alcohol abuse, but all my efforts have been in vain.

GASE SAYS..

You can only do so much for another person, but you can’t really impose help on them if they don’t want it, no matter how much they need it.

At some point you’re going to have to re-evaluate your relationship with this ‘very smart and intelligent’ guy that you love so much, to determine which outweighs the other…the good, or the bad.

Eventually, you’re going to have to decide if it’s really worth it to stay in such a relationship and stress over someone who clearly chooses alcohol and drugs over you.

Before you do that, however, call BOSASNet on 3959119 / 72659891 for assistance – they will give you guidance as to how you should go about this problem.

WorryingHE CAN’T GET OVER ABUSIVE EX

DEAR GASE,

I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 31. We live together, but he has huge trust issues and it takes its toll on our relationship.

His ex-girlfriend was horrible to him on so many levels, so I do understand where he’s coming from, but I haven’t lied to him, hidden anything from him or basically done anything for him to lose his trust in me, yet our relationship is always on edge.

If I’m a few minutes late home from work or spend time seeing my friends, all hell breaks loose and I don’t know how much more I can take of this kind of thing.

I love him so much I know our relationship is worth fighting for, but how do I make him see this?

I’ve been honest with him about how I feel and what effect it’s having on our relationship, but he tells me it’s my fault that we’re like this and that I should put in the effort to make things right.

I’m trying to do this, but any slight problem and we are back to square one.

I know he loves me and wants things to work out, but this can’t carry on we should be enjoying each other all the time, not just from time to time. Please help!

GASE SAYS..

Make no mistake – this is his issue, not yours.

You haven’t given him any reason not to trust you, and it’s so wearing to have to constantly reassure someone who’s insecure.

You can do it until eternity, but it’ll make no difference in the long run if he doesn’t admit to himself that he has an issue with trust and makes an effort to deal with it.
He will either wear you down so much that you dump him or you’ll stay with him, end up losing your friends and be scared of talking to anyone of the opposite sex.

When that happens it becomes a control issue – he might feel great, but it’ll ruin your life.

You have to be really firm with him. Tell him that while you understand his ex-girlfriend let him down, you’re not her and you don’t want to be compared to her.

He also needs to know that he has to deal with these issues now because you are not going to stop going out or seeing your friends and you won’t be made to feel bad because of his past.

Unless he starts to prove to you that he can change his behaviour, then you should suggest that he goes for counselling if he wants your relationship to work.

He needs to know that if you didn’t want the relationship to work you’d be gone because of his current attitude.

Say it, mean it and stick to your principles.

 

 


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