Home » Ask Gase » ASK GASE 09.05.2014

Cynical-Black-CoupleSHE THREATENS TO LEAVE BUT DOESN’T MOVE OUT

DEAR GASE,

Please help.

I betrayed my partner, when she was pregnant for our first child, i cheated on her and got two other women pregnant and the third

1, there is no child. Now she has been threatening to leave me but i have been begging her to stay, she told me she cant forgive me, or trust me again, but she has continued to stay with me, its has been

2 and half years now, having changed my bad attitude, which she also noticed, i have been begging for forgiveness but to no avail, she told me she can’t forgive me or trust me again, she even moved out, I asked her father to reconcile us, which he did, but when she came, i asked if it was genuine but she said she is just honouring her father’s instruction.

Up to now she has stayed put to her words but what confuses me is she has continued to stay with me.

I still LOVE her regardless of my bad/dirty history, but can this relationship survive, because she is always telling me she is leaving, but for these two and half years she has not left.

GASE SAYS…

It’s a good thing you decided to mend your ways.

Cheating on your pregnant girlfriend with three other women and impregnating two of them in the process was probably the dumbest thing you will ever do in your life;

I will not rub your nose in it because you have realized the folly of your ways…otherwise you would not have changed your bad behaviour.

To answer your question, yes, your relationship can survive because you say you love her; and if she loves you back, then the two of you can it work if you truly want to.

It’s not impossible, but it will take a lot of work to get her to forgive you , because you have hurt her badly and destroyed the trust that she had in you.

Did you ever ask yourself why, for two and a half years, she’s been threatening to leave you but has not left?

It could be for any number of reasons.

Depending on how she was raised, she could very well be telling the truth that she’s only with you because her father told her to go back to you.

It could be that she’s still with you because she doesn’t want to start all over again with someone new, who could turn out to be an even worse cheat than you were…or maybe she’s still with you for the simple reason that you’re the father of her children and are providing for her and the children.

You know, life is tough these days…a man who’ prepared to carry another man’s ‘burden’ is rare to find.

But then again, maybe she’s still with you because she loves you and is just making empty threats to punish you because she’s still hurt and angry at what you did to her.

So, how can you tell which of the above is the real reason why she ‘s been telling you for more than two years that she’s leaving, yet hasn’t left? Ask her! Observe and probe her, she will tell you what you need to hear.

Surely by now you know her well enough to tell when she really means what she’s saying?

If talking as a couple yields no desired results, seek counselling. For service providers, check the ‘Where to get help’ list elsewhere on this page. Good Luck.

 

MY FUTURE WIFE WANTS ME TO PAY FOR ALL WEDDING EXPENSESWedding-expenses

DEAR GASE,

Dear Gase, I’ve just paid lobola; my future wife and I are planning to have our wedding very soon.

As you know, in our culture we have two ceremonies; one at the bride’s place and the other at the groom’s place.

What I want to know is in Setswana do I pay for all the ceremonies or just one which is the groom’s side only, because it looks like my future wife wants me to pay for everything and she is not employed at the moment but she has brothers and a sister who are working. Thanks.

GASE SAYS

Regarding patlo, lobola/bogadi and the actual wedding ceremonies, Setswana culture differs from morafe to morafe.

In modern day Botswana, we see also that ‘culture’ has started to differ from family to family, mostly driven by greed and the selfish needs of individuals.

Talk to your future wife and explain that you do not have the financial resources to cover expenses for two white wedding celebrations (if that is what you’re referring to when you say ‘two ceremonies’) and suggest to her that once all the traditional ceremonies are done.

The two of you should perhaps have just one white wedding at a neutral place which is neither the bride’s or groom’s home…more like having a destination wedding without having to leave the country.

Many couples have gone that route and it has worked perfectly for them to quell any arising arguments and/or complains from either family.

Whereas the white wedding can be improvised when and if financial constraints dictate so, If you know what’s good for you, there can be no short cuts or going around the traditional ceremonies, as the elders consider those to be the real components of a wedding and basis for a solid marriage.

Trust their wisdom and guidance, provide the traditional brew, the cow/goat/sheep to be slaughtered and the food that goes with it for the festivities, buy all those blankets/shawls, headscarves, jackets, hats, and whatever other clothing items that are required for the traditional ceremonies…

Let the elders from both families eat, drink and be merry as they go about performing their traditional duties as parents, uncles and aunts of the bride and groom.

Allow them the space, time and freedom to do what they know best, i.e. to unite and merge your two families into one big happy family. ..they will love you for it and shower you and your future wife with blessings.

Remember that they’re old and don’t have that much entertainment in their lives anymore, so this will be their time to shine and brag to their friends and neighbours that their children are getting married.

Do all that for them and explain that you and your future wife unfortunately do not have enough finances to stage fully fledged white wedding ceremonies at both the bride and groom’s homes, and I can promise you that chances are they will happily let you and your bride off the hook with just a ‘signing’ session at the DC’s office and a simple wedding celebration that you can afford.

It is not uncommon for a bride-to-be to dream of a huge white wedding complete with all the trimmings of a celebrity-style event (best décor, best cake, best wedding dress…best everything…and lots of guests coming to look at her and admire how beautiful she looks on her big day), so, even when she and her family are not prepared to pop out a single thebe to assist with expenses, she may still attempt to twist your arm to pay for everything because you’re a man, even if it means that you will be in debt after the wedding.

Should that be the case with you two, take it as a warning bell…an indication of things to come, and brace yourself for a bumpy ride ahead.

Meanwhile, remember to go with your wife-to-be for premarital counseling so that you can iron out all important issues before you commit to each other.

Many couples excitedly prepare for the wedding and not the marriage; pre-marital counselling prepares you for your marriage and helps to lay a solid foundation for your future.

 

aaphoto1HOW TO FIX A RELATIONSHIP AFTER AN AFFAIR

When the unthinkable happens, try these tips to repair the damage of an affair.

“Is it hopeless?”
This is the question running through your mind as you try to decide whether or not to stay with your partner after an affair.

You wonder if the damage can be repaired and if you two can ever move past the betrayal and return to trusting and loving again like you used to. And it’s an important question.

1. One of the very first decisions anyone makes after an affair is whether or not to try again. Of course, there are no guarantees that you will be able to fix your relationship.

There’s no iron-clad way to know if you’ll reconnect and open up to intimacy again or not.

It’s a risk to take a second chance, but it’s one you can take wisely.

Here are just a few signs that your relationship can survive the affair:

You two are communicating honestly again.

You can envision a happier future with your partner.

You’re not holding onto bitterness, anger and blame.

You are open to making changes to benefit your relationship.

Your partner is willing to work with you to fix your relationship.

2. Regardless of whether your partner cheated or you did, your actions now determine whether you two move forward together, move forward separately or remain miserably stuck in the painful past.

3. Make it a team effort.
To fix your relationship after an affair, you’ve got to work as a team.

If your partner cheated, your attitude may be that it’s on him (or her) to make the necessary changes and return things to normal again.

If you had an affair, you may put the future of your relationship totally on your shoulders.

This one-sided approach is a mistake many people make.

While it’s essential for the one who cheated to take full ownership of the affair, so many bad habits and old resentments don’t get cleared up if that’s the sole focus.

This makes it more likely that you two will end up disconnected all over again.

Affirm to each other that you’re on the same team and that you’re willing to work together to heal wounds and reconnect.

4. Talk about it.

Another common mistake that is made after infidelity is on how it’s communicated.

To bring every conversation back to the affair in a blaming way causes further damage, but so does putting the topic on the “no talk list.”

Some couples try to put the past behind them by refusing to give air time to the affair and almost pretending it didn’t even happen.

Being present moment-focused is only beneficial if you can do so in your mind as well as in the conversations you have with your partner.

5. Find ways to talk about the affair that are conducive to learning, understanding and healing.

Create agreements with your partner about how you’ll do that.

Be sure to also take regular time by yourself to process and release intense emotions so that you’re not dumping them into the talks you have together.

6. Know when it’s unfixable.

If you are doing the work in a sustained way and are just not seeing the results you want, then perhaps it’s time to make the difficult choice to end your relationship.

Remember that a relationship doesn’t instantly turn around after infidelity (or any other sort of betrayal).

It takes time to heal and learn how to trust one another again. Look for any signs of improvement as you decide whether or not your relationship is fixable.

What has changed in the way you two talk to each other?

What has shifted for the better in how you interact when you’re together? How do you feel inside?

Are you more willing to trust now? Is your willingness to trust again in alignment with your partner’s actions?

If you aren’t seeing improvements, but you don’t want to end the relationship, sit down with your partner and come up with a new plan.

Without blame, try new strategies that will better address the disconnection and broken trust.

 

 


Cynical-Black-Couple

Cynical-Black-Couple

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