Home » Ask Gase » ASK GASE 07.03.14

HE’S A NICE GUY BUT I DON’T LOVE HIM SEXUALLY 

CoupleDEAR GASE,

I’m with a man who is quite a lot older than I am – I’m 26 and he is 42.

He really is a great guy and we have a lovely three-year-old daughter.

He also has four children from previous relationships.
He always tells me he loves me and is very kind-hearted, but I’ve never been attracted to his appearance.

I fell for his kindness and his attitude to life, but now I feel like I need to be with someone else.

I feel very confused about my feelings because when I see another guy I find attractive, I start imagining what it would be like to be with him in a different kind of relationship.

I have everything that I need a wonderful family life with my partner but I’ve almost broken up with him several times.

Something always pulls me back to him, though, which makes me feel so disappointed in myself.

I am not physically attracted to my partner at all and when he wants to kiss or have sex, it makes me feel sick. But I love him.
What’s up with me? I cannot make any sense of these feelings.

GASE SAYS..

You love him as a friend and you love all those wonderful things about him he’s a great family man, he treats you well, he’s a good dad and so on.

On paper it looks great, but your gut instinct is telling you that it’s not and if the physical attraction isn’t there, you can’t force it.

And you are very young to be giving up that side of things.

Yes, there’s always a risk that you’ll finish with him and date someone that turns you on like crazy who isn’t as reliable and loving, but you can’t stay with someone just because they make you feel secure.

I think you want to end it, but you’re just scared of doing it. It is a scary thing, but in the long run it’s harder and lonelier to be with someone you’re not happy with.

And it’s not fair on him either he also deserves to be with someone who loves him wholeheartedly.

Also if it’s the end of the line for you both then hopefully you can make it as painless as possible for the sake of your children.

As long as the children feel loved and secure, they’ll come through a breakup OK.

If and when you do decide to end things, you don’t have to tell him it’s because you don’t like him sexually say that while you love him as a friend and as the father of your child, you’re not in love with him any more.

That’s honest enough

I’M DATING A WHITE GUYpic-2-V836

DEAR GASE,

I am a 28-year-old Motswana woman and have just started a relationship with an older white guy from England.

I work in a bank and I helped him out with a banking issue.

To thank me he asked me out ona ‘dinner’ date.

I agreed to the date because I was curious about him, and found that I enjoyed his company.

We have seen each other a few times since then and have begun a friendship, which looks like it may develop into a longer-term relationship.
Do you have any tips on dating a white man that might be useful?

GASE SAYS..

Whilst I have no personal experience to speak of, I do know that falling in love has nothing to do with your race.

Like any relationship you cannot help whom you love.

If you have the same interests, enjoy spending time together, and can see a real future with someone, you will love them without even thinking about their race.

Love who you love, and have fun on the ride is the best way to go in any relationship.

As long as both parties are in it for the right reasons, dating someone from another culture can be an adventurously fulfilling ride, but of course it could also come with some obstacles.

I am sure that a lot of men you helped as part of your work in the bank have also asked you out on a date.

What were your motives for accepting this one?

Don’t do it because you think it“cool” and “exotic” to date a foreigner and impress your work mates at the bank.

Don’t do it because you see him as a meal or travel ticket to what you imagine will be a better life.

Dating someone from another culture, to elevate your status in society, is no different from dating someone because oftheir financial standing, or because of their fame it’s all for the wrong reason.

But by the same token you can expect some jealous females.

There are only so many men from his culture in this country, and you’re taking one of them.

As in any relationship honesty is key, but speaking to friends who have dated white guys, most tell me that they tend to be more honest and open than your average Motswana man.

During your dinner dates you will have found out more about his history and any baggage he may be carrying from the past. Explore how this may impact on your relationship.

For example if he tell you he has a wife and family back home, does this mean he only sees you as some sort of ‘comfort’ zone until he returns to his people.
Another disadvantage is that he will probably have no family this side.

That means if you need to sort out some issues in your relationship you will have to solve it directly with him, there will be no go between ‘uncles’ to talk to.

There are also different ‘rules’ when it comes to meeting your family.

Whereas culturally you would not bring an older black man with kids home to meet your mum or dad, there seems to be no such hang ups with whites.

Talk to your family, and if they don’t want to meet him, sit with that.

Work out what’s important to you. Don’t give up your man just because your family has prejudices, and the same goes for his family.

If the relationship develops and you have kids, is it likely he might later ‘run away’ to his home country with your child and you end up never seeing either of them again?

I’m sure your friends will have already brought this fear to your attention, and there will be many other instances when others will want to give their opinion on you relationship.

Don’t worry about what other people think, and this includes family. At the end of the day, you need to be happy – no one else is living in your house with you.

Take things as they are and don’t try to change them, and if there is a change he wants you to make, do you yourself want to make it?

If he wasn’t in your life, do you still think that change would make you happy? If not, you’ll end up resenting him.

Ideas about household roles, family, religion and how to raise children vary greatly from culture to culture, and you might find that there are cultural differences to come to terms with.

Study up on the person’s culture, but not just by asking him questions.

Your man will appreciate you putting in extra time even when you’re not with him to understand him and his upbringing better. Better still get him to take you to his country.

cartonLOVE FACTS
A large body of research shows that loving connection is essential to long-term physical health.

Loneliness and lack of social connections has been shown to shorten our lifespans as much as smoking.

80% of all pictures on the internet are of naked women.

 


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