I am a 21-year-old lady in need of therapy because I have a problem managing my anger, and have constant arguments with my boyfriend.
Can you please recommend a therapist?
Even a private one is still fine.
You will need a referral in order to be seen by a therapist.
Please ask your regular medical practitioner to refer you to one.
There are counselling services offered by various organisations listed here, and there are church leaders who could also offer advice if you are attached to a religious organisation.
Arguments are common in relationships and often strike without warning.
But it’s the way you deal with the clashes awaiting you and your man that decide whether your union survives.
1: TAKE A TIME OUT.
Counting to 10 isn’t just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10.
Slowing down can help defuse your temper.
If necessary, take a break from the person or situation until your frustration subsides a bit.
Avoid battling your case with extreme aggression.
Not only is it unbecoming of a lady, it can also trigger a situation that both of you will regret for a long time to come.
Domestic violence is no laughing matter and is often the result of heated moments where things quickly get physical.
2: Once you’re calm, express your anger
As soon as you’re thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way.
State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.
3: GET SOME EXERCISE
Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you’re about to erupt.
If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other favourite physical activities.
Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that can leave you feeling happier and more relaxed than you were before you worked out.
4: THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret.
Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
5: IDENTIFY POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS
Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand.
Remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything, and might only make it worse.
6: STICK WITH ‘I’ STATEMENTS
To avoid criticizing or placing blame which might only increase tension use “I” statements to describe the problem.
Be respectful and specific. For example, say, “I’m upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes,” instead of, “You never do any housework.”
7: DON’T HOLD A GRUDGE
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.
But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation.
It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times.
8: USE HUMOUR TO RELEASE TENSION
Lightening up can help diffuse tension.
Don’t use sarcasm, though it can hurt feelings and make things worse.
9: FOCUS ON WHAT IS SAID
Issues from the past are brought up in a frail attempt to bolster the current argument.
It may feel natural, but it’s also wrong. How would you like if someone kept throwing all the mistakes you made in your face every chance they got? Focus on moving forward.
You can recognize the times when your wrong and focus on a resolution rather than payback or getting your way.
A simple apology works wonders.
My girlfriend has a child with an ex and I’m worried one day they will get back together although she said she doesn’t have feelings for him any more.
I totally understand that they have to talk to each other because of the child.
What bothers me the most is that one night they hung out with a couple of their mutual friends and she didn’t even tell me that the father of her baby was there.
I found out about it because one of their friends told me.
I really don’t know what to do at this point.
Am I just being worried for no reason?
You might be being overly worried and their relationship could be completely innocent but what you need here is a bit of reassurance.
She might not have told you that he was there because she knew it would upset you and didn’t think it was worth causing a row over.
But that only works if you’re not found out!
Naturally, because she’s kept it a secret from you, you’re jumping to all sorts of conclusions.
You need to explain to her that while it’s fine for her to go out with her friends, if her ex is there you want to know about it.
I think that’s fair enough.