Home » Ask Gase » ASK GASE 17.01.13

DumpedMY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BUT I WANT CUSTODY OF OUR DAUGHTER

DEAR GASE,

I’m a young man aged 25 and I have been dating a young lady of the same age since last year.

I love her so much and even promised to marry her.

She got pregnant but after two months she started to change, telling me that her mum is not interested because of the career I’m in.

During the pregnancy Irealized that she was going out with another guy and that they had actually been living together while I was not aware of it. However, I continued to give her much support and attention by helping her with whatever she needed for the pregnancy.

I wanted to give my child a name but she told me I could not as her‘friend’ would be the one to do that when the baby was born which she did.

I started asking myself questions as to who exactly was the biological father.

I ended up arranging for a DNA test through the courts, which confirmed that Iam indeed the child’s biological father.

I applied for custody of the child and change of name, which I am still awaiting.

Now I hear that the mother got married this month and took our child with her without consulting me about it.

Her parents did not bother to inform me either, although I had told them I wanted to take my child.

Please help me because I want my daughter.

GASE SAYS..

I’m sorry to read about the way you have been betrayed by your ex.

I wonder why she didn’t just end the relationship if she didn’t love you anymore, instead of bringing her mother into it as if she (the mother) was also part of your relationship.

If she’s the type of woman who depends on her mother to make decisions for her concerning her love-life, then I can assure you that you’re better off without her because you were always going to be in a threesome…with her mum pulling strings from behind the scenes and at times calling the shots in your relationship.

You found out that she was cheating on you but decided to support her through the pregnancy anyway.

Great – I take it you will not turn around and start claiming that she used you.

Even when she wouldn’t let you give your own child a name but wanted another man to do that, you did not take her to task about it.

Only when she actually carried out her plan did it occur to you that perhaps you were not the child’s biological father.

It seems you had infinite patience…probably because you were (or still are) so inlove with your ex.

It’s a good thing you had a DNA test to confirm that you are indeed the child’s biological father.

Now that your ex is married and her husband o e gapile le namane, this may further complicate things for you concerning your desire to get custody of your daughter.

However as you say you have a pending application for change of name and custody of the child.

I suggest you follow that up with the office where you submitted your application, and while you’re at it, update them about the current situation so that they can advise you accordingly. Good luck.

MARRIAGE HAS CHANGED MY WOMAN FOR THE WORSEMarriage-changed

DEAR GASE
I am a 36-year-old man who married a woman eight years younger than me in 2012.

We had been dating for four years before that.

I always saw her as an unconditional, understanding and honest lover. I toldher that I had lost both parents and as the sole breadwinner I was charged with the responsibility of looking after my five orphaned siblings. She seemed to understand.

However, ever since we got married she appears to have changed for the worse.

She doesn’t want to understand that my siblings are in need of my financial support, and she despises them for no good reason.

Lately she has told me that she has the right to know my salary (something I didn’t object to)… she draws some money from my bank account every month end but she can’t even buy a teaspoon for the house.

She constantly accuses me of having extramarital affairs with no valid proof, but she doesn’t want me to express worry about the late night calls she often receives, which she says are from her half
brother.

I once registered her with a private school so that she could
complete her secondary education, but she never bothered to tell me
when she quit.

When we get to bed she starts to wear a serious face and looks away… she constantly denies me sexual intimacy unless payday is near.

We quarrel so much about the issue that I once suggested
an end to our relationship, but I changed my mind after she apologized.

However things have not improved she often leaves the house untidy and makes excuses that she is tired like she is always tired for sex.

At this stage I can only think about divorce because we don’t seem compatible. Please help.

GASE SAYS..

Although I cannot claim to know exactly how you feel, I can certainly imagine what you must be going through.

Putting a ring on it only to discover that your wife is not the woman you thought she was must be a husband’s worst nightmare!

I just wonder what could have happened to change her from the understanding and honest person she was, to the ‘wife from hell’ that she has become.

Could it be that she fooled you all along…waiting until you two got married before showing her true colours?

It’s a possibility – many men have fallen into that trap.

But then again, it’s possible that you were not mistaken about her…that deep down she is in fact a good person…

that the only cause of your current problems is that she’s got issues that she doesn’t know how to handle.

In that case, it’d do her good to talk to you about whatever is bothering her and perhaps seek counselling if need be.

Do talk to her about her attitude and behaviour; tell her exactly how it makes you feel.

The two of you must work together to find solutions through open and honest discussions.

If you’re unable to resolve your issues by yourselves, seek help as a couple as it seems very much like you could do with the assistance of a counsellor.

I suggest you contact Heart and Hands of Compassion, Lifeline Botswana or talk to your pastor.

In the meantime, you definitely need to re-think the following issues.

POINTS TO POINDER

  • Talk to her about the way she treats your siblings – make sure she understands once and for all that you will not abandon them.You told her about them from the very beginning and she was okay with you giving them financial support.

    It is not her place to interfere and she can’t just turn around and suddenly change her mind about you helping them. Who does she want them to turn to?

  • I get the feeling that your wife is something of a gold-digger, but you need to also take responsibility for your part in this mess because you have allowed it to happen.You’re breeding a parasite in your home.

    Why do you suppose your wife thinks nothing of quitting her studies without even bothering to inform you?

    Why is she, at her age, enjoying being a housewife, doing nothing fruitful all day, just waiting to spend dear hubby’s pay cheque?

    She thinks she’s on a never-ending all-expenses-paid holiday! Unless you take action now, this parasite is going to grow out of control and swallow you up one day.

  • Since she seems to have no interest in furthering her studies, she needs to find a job or a business venture to keep active and gainfully employed.Gone are the days when women expected a man to shoulder all the burden of maintaining a home/family.

    Nowadays, any self-respecting woman will do all in her power to contribute financially towards the smooth running of her home.

    Why do you allow your wife to draw money from your account monthly if you know that ‘she can’t even buy a teaspoon’?

    Don’t you see that it’s you who’s fuelling her gold-digging habits?

  • Why do you think she keeps accusing you of having extra-marital affairs when she has no basis for her suspicions and accusations?She might just be cheating on you with her late-night caller/s and is simply trying to throw you off the scent.

    You never know! Anyway, why should her half brother be regularly calling her late at night? If those calls really bother you, talk to her again about them.

  • Concerning the issue of sex, unless I’m missing something here, I’d say wearing a serious face, looking away and constantly denying one’s partner sexual intimacy are certainly not the actions of someone who loves her spouse.As if that wasn’t enough, she only consents to sex when your payday is near…obviously because that’s her own payday too! It’s called transactional sex; you both know that she has sex with you only because she wants something in return.

    Your marriage is still ‘new’ and you two should be madly in love with each other still…how did things go so wrong so quickly?

  • Talk to her seriously about all that you have written in your letter. One of the things that make it difficult for couples to resolve their issues is that they are not entirely truthful with one another about how they feel, yet they will gladly tell a third party everything.Some couples leave problems unresolved for too long, so much that in the end they’re simply overwhelmed.

    If there’s any chance at all that your marriage can be saved, and you both want it, then start that discussion now, and work together towards a solution.

WHERE TO GET HELP 

  • Lifeline Botswana – 3911290 (Face-to-face Counselling), 3911270 (Telephone Counselling)
  • Childline Botswana – 3900900 (Children’s Issues, Counselling, Parenting Skills)
  • Men’s Clinic – 3909402 (Male Sexual Health)
  • Heart & Hands of Compassion – 73516022 (Face-to-face Counselling)
  • BOSASNet – 3959119/72659891 (Substance Abuse Education, Prevention & Rehabilitation)
  • BOCAIP – 3916454 (Counselling, HIV Testing, Care & Support)
  • Ipoletse HIV/AIDS Call Centre – Toll Free Numbers 0800 600 700 / 711600
  • CEYOHO – 3919958/71763659 (Counselling, HIV Stigma Reduction, Behaviour Change, Health Education and Support for Young People)
  •  Women Against Rape – 6860865 (Counselling, Legal Aid, Emergency Shelter)
  • Kagisano Women’s Shelter Project – 3907658/9, 3900516 (Counselling, Medical & Legal Aid Support for Women and Children affected by Domestic Violence)

 

 

 


Dumped

Dumped

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