I have recently decided to end an 11-year-old relationship with my ex because he was cheating on me.
We were happy together until last year when he started having an affair.
Five years ago I sold him a plot for P15 000 with some developments on it such as a 2 ½ roomed house, in Moshupa, where we both work and stay.We have a written agreement to that effect.
At the time, he paid only P5, 000-00 of that amount. Since then, whenever I bring up the topic he tells me that he has no money and doesn’t know when he’ll be able to settle the debt.
Things started to go wrong in our relationship in November 2013 when he would get calls and text messages in the middle of the night.
Later he would switch off his phone or put it on silent mode. When I quizzed him about it, he’d get angry and had no real explanation for this sudden change in behaviour.
He then moved to the plot he had bought from me and I began to see less and less of him.
His explanation was that he gets tired from working all day and needs to go straight to his place to rest after a long day.
I then saw him at a shop with a lady, looking all cosy and lovey-dovey – they were not aware that I was watching them.
After I verified for myself that he is indeed involved with another woman, I told him that it’s better we part ways so that he can be free to do whatever he likes with his love-life.
He suggested that we inform our parents about the split. I declined to bring our parents into the matter, explaining to him that it would not be proper because we were not married – just boyfriend and girlfriend.
He decided to go ahead and inform my parents anyway, telling them that I left him because I had found myself another man…something which is very untrue.
He’s the one who cheated on me, not the other way round.
This has caused me countless sleepless nights, wondering why he did this to me after so many years together.
I’m deeply religious and I pray to God everyday to give me strength.
My parents have now called us to a meeting, which I really do not want to attend, but at the same time I do not want to seem disrespectful.
Should I attend this meeting and what do you suggest I do to get this man to pay me the balance he owes for the plot he bought from me?
Much as you do not want to drag your parents into this matter, your ex has already involved them and told his side of the story.
I suggest you attend the meeting that they have called so that you too can get the chance to tell your side of the story.
Tell them the truth – as a believer you should know that the Holy Bible says, “The truth shall set you free.”
However understanding that a particular version of the truth is not the only one (and that other versions exist) can be very helpful to interpersonal relations.
An open and honest discussion on your relationship might provide a catalyst to saving it if you are both still willing to do that.
Separating the facts from your individual assumptions, including the details of the plot and the money still owing, and reaching a consensus on what the truth is, will allow your parents to mediate in good faith.
It’s a good thing that you two signed an agreement of sale when he bought the plot/house; you should now have him sign an agreement in front of the elders, stating how and when he intends to settle the debt.
If the parents’ mediation efforts do not bear any fruit, you can take him to the Customary Court or the Small Claims Court so that he pays you.
Five years is too long for him still to owe you, especially when he’s enjoying the comfort of your house.
Regarding your split, your parents should not be the ones to decide what happens now or in the future; only you can make that decision for yourself after you have thought this through thoroughly
Whatever the outcome of that meeting, no one should put you under pressure to do or undo anything if you do not want to. It’s your life…and you only have one chance to live it.
I’ve known this man for several years – we used to work together and even went to UB together.
And since then we have crossed paths on many occasions.
He is married with children and I am single.
The problem is, we are sexually attracted to one another and it has been like this for a very long time.
But in terms of being physical with each other, we have only ever hugged.
We’ve never had sex but it is obvious to friends that know us that we want to, but we are both trying really hard not to go there.
I feel the situation is in danger of getting out of control emotionally because he genuinely cares for me and I do him.
It’s not just about lust any more.
I actually took a transfer to work away from home just to put some distance between us, but it didn’t work.
I find it amazing that we have such strong feelings for each other when we have never had sex.
I’m confused is this just lust or something deeper?
It is a long time to have such strong feelings for a person.
The way we feel about each other has never changed in all that time.
It all sounds very romantic but I honestly think that’s all it is – a romantic notion.
If you did decide to be together and he left his wife and kids devastated, all of a sudden it’s not as romantic or exciting.
Right now he can see you whenever he wants to flirt and there’s all that sexual tension going on, but you’re not cooking for him or washing his underpants.
It’s not real life.
Think this through very carefully because, in the majority of cases, this kind of thing leaves only heartache and destruction in its wake.
You need to think about yourself too. Who’s to say that if you did get together that he wouldn’t go back to his wife after six months?
All this unrequited love is stopping you from meeting someone who is free to date you and that you have a long-term future with.
I know you tried to move away, but you’ve clearly kept in touch.
I honestly don’t think he is serious about your “romance.”
I think he enjoys the flirting and likes to know there’s someone out there who’s interested in him, but he can still go home to the security of his wife and family.
Trust me, if he really wanted to be with you he’d have left his wife at some point during those years he has flirted with you.
I HAVE A PANIC ATTACK TALKING TO GIRLS
I’ve got a problem talking to people.
I recently got promoted and now part of my bank job is to approach potential customers outside the workplace, but I panic, tense up and start sweating and mumbling my words. It’s very embarrassing.
My colleagues tell me to keep trying, but they don’t understand how bad it is.
When I just work inside the bank, I’m different – I’m confident in my skills and in my knowledge.
I have the same problem in my personal life – I just can’t approach women.
What can I do to stop these panic attacks?
How am I supposed to be in a relationship if I can’t even talk to a woman?
When it comes to meeting girls, let it happen naturally – don’t force yourself to say something for the sake of it.
If you don’t know what to say, say nothing.
But it’s really no different to talking to your friends. Your problem is, you’re over-thinking and it’s making you panic.
As for work, sales aren’t for everyone – that kind of thing is hard if you’re not naturally outgoing.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses.
Now you know sales isn’t your strong point, you can talk to your boss and get a position in the bank where you don’t have to do it.
This might be detrimental to your future chances of promotion, so you will have to decide on the best way forward.