CAUGHT IN THE OLD MAN YOUNG GIRL SYNDROME
I’m a 64-year-old white man who has fallen in love with a 22-year-old Motswana woman.
And whilst age may be nothing but a number, and colour nothing more than the pigmentation of the skin, the reality is different – not least because I am also married with a young son who I adore.
As you can imagine this situation, which arose as my wife works away from the matrimonial home, has resulted in a tangle of emotions.
I am torn between the devil and the deep blue sea, and not sure which end is which.
I could just file my relationship with the younger woman in the category under fantasy, and return to matrimonial duties with my reputation still more or less intact. And that would be that at least that is what my head tells me.
But the heart is not so academic.
I wonder if you could help me find a way out of this mess.
So what else is new?
Since Adam and Eve and the serpent got together as a threesome, it has been the same old story.
From boardroom banter to back slapping bar room brothers the subject has been enthusiastically discussed with the theme taken up by poets, novelists, Hollywood scriptwriters, jokers and psychoanalysts throughout the ages.
What you are experiencing is the sense of alarm and anxiety caused by the feeling that life’s opportunities are passing you by.
It is the same force that manifests in an ageing woman who longs to discover the excitement of youth, and who fears being left ‘on the shelf.’
And in your case it is the force that has driven a succession of older men into the arms of young women, wrecking countless marriages along the way.
From Paris to Pitsane the attraction of elderly men to the limbs of young girls is universal.
The way is the same it is just that in this part of the world being white gives you an added advantage over any old black man who isn’t rich or in power, to the means.
And as you seem to have discovered there are no shortage of young girls willing to massage that end of the ego – but at a cost.
It is a price you might have to pay with more than just your pocket.
Apart from the dangers of a sexually transmitted disease, there is also the destruction of your marriage to consider.
I wonder if you are really seeking a way out of the mess as you say, or do you just want to find a way of navigating around it?
The logistics are further complicated by the addition of your son whose emotions are more vulnerable than your own.
It is the difference between innocence and experience.
You have to make a commitment to something other than your ego or the call of your libido.
You are too old to be a ‘playa,’ and not yet dead enough to be a saint, but having reached a reality checkpoint somewhere in-between, you have to make a decision.
The way forward will depend on what you are prepared to leave behind.
10 TIPS TOWARDS A HAPPY MARRIAGE
(THAT DON’T INVOLVE SEX)
The above letter got me thinking about the stresses and strains in a marriage, especially in view of the depressing divorce rates.
I’m not sure of the exact percentage, but if we say half of marriages fail, then on a more positive note that means half succeed.
With this in mind, I decided do some research amongst self-proclaimed happily married male friends for their thoughts, advice, and insider tips on finding and maintaining happiness in their marriages.
To gain a better insight on the male perspective of marriage other than the number of times they would like to make love each week, I asked for tips that had nothing to do with sex.
Although this restriction forced them to take a bit longer to respond, here is a list of what they told me in no particular order…
1. DON’T RUSH!
Surprisingly, despite having almost 30 years of marriage under his belt, one of my friend’s simple advice was “don’t rush.”
He didn’t say this to suggest he wasn’t happily married.
He merely meant that when the time is right, the time is right and “forever is a long time.”
He’s looking forward to spending the rest of his life with his wife; however, he can do so comfortably knowing he had a fulfilling single life before meeting the woman he loves.
He doesn’t sit up late at night wondering, “what if” because he knows he met his wife and committed to her at the right time in his life.
2. ACCEPT THAT OTHER WOMEN ARE STILL ATTRACTIVE.
This theme came up a few times. You’re beautiful and he loves you, BUT there are other women in the world he might, from time to time, find attractive.
These men weren’t advocating for letting your husband blatantly disrespect you by actively pursuing other women on social media or beyond.
Still, you should be confident and trustworthy enough to know that just because he “LIKES” a picture on Facebook or looks at some cute woman on the street, doesn’t mean he’s secretly plotting to run off with that woman the second you turn your back.
3. RECOGNIZE WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO HIM AND MAKE SURE YOU’RE AT LEAST CASUALLY INVOLVED
You don’t have to be a football fan or talk sport with your man to get his attention, but it helps! However if you are not a fan and he is, don’t make him choose between the game he loves and proving his love for you.
When the game is on the line don’t ask him to “turn down/off the game” so you can talk about new curtains or demand that he takes you shopping NOW.
4. MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN LAUGH WITH
Almost every happily married man I spoke with referred to having a woman in your life that you can laugh or joke with.
In other words, life is too short to take serious all the time.
Apparently, having a woman by your side that can keep you in good spirits goes a long way.
5. PEACE AND QUIET IS UNDERRATED
As one friend put it, “I think the key to a happy marriage, for a man, understands what most men want.
Most of the married guys I know appreciate nothing more than peace and quiet. Just don’t bug us.
A peaceful household free of drama and arguing goes a long way.” In other words, talking is fine and the men know it’s a key part of maintaining a happy marriage, but sometimes silence is golden
6. COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!
Most of my friends couldn’t stress the idea of communicating openly and honestly with their wives enough.
If you can’t share your inner most thoughts with a woman you’re considering marrying, then you’re about to marry the wrong woman.
Additionally, it’s important for both parties to be able to see and respect the other’s point of view.
It’s not about agreeing on everything, it’s about respecting each other’s right to have their own opinion.
7. EACH DAY IS A NEW DAY
Arguing is a natural part of any relationship, but if you are serious about the ‘until death us do part’ bit, it’s too long to hold grudges.
Marriage is not a game – so don’t keep score. Happy marriage partners agree that the best way to make their marriage a success is to take the journey one step (or day) at a time.
8. INNOCENCE AND EXPERIENCE
One friend on his second, and happier, marriage told me he went into his first marriage with ridiculously unrealistic expectations and he and his wife both suffered through the process. In the end, they couldn’t make it work because neither had any real idea of what it meant to be a good husband or wife.
Further, and mistakenly, they were both convinced it was the other person’s responsibility to change.
9. IT’S US VERSUS THE PROBLEM
One friend told me that in his marriage, he and his wife have made a conscious effort to ensure it’s always them versus the problem instead of it ever being a case of him versus her.
Regardless of the issue, in their marriage it’s always a team effort.
This means whenever they have a fight, it’s not them fighting each other, it’s them fighting to resolve the problem, together.
10. LET THERE BE SPACE
Living together in holy wedlock does not mean being joined at the hips.
Yes you have promised to be together for eternity, but let there be spaces in your togetherness.
Having time and freedom to do your own thing is not an invitation to cheat, but a way of returning to your beloved suitably refreshed.
As the friend who put this idea to me said, quoting from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet: “ Love one another but make not a bond of love.”
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Last week in replying to the writer of the letter who asked: “HOW CAN I TELL MY HUSBAND IT’S ALL OVER?”
I asked readers with similar experiences to explain how they dealt with the situation.
Here is an edited sample of some of the replies from Facebook.
Bakang Drugin Pule Maybe she should explain what her idea of LOVE is coz we tend to define it differently as individuals.
Marriage needs many other factors besides LOVE.
What makes u not to love him, isn’t it things u can both work on?
Maybe if u stop sleeping around, and start focusing your energy on loving only him, lerato la gago leka tsosologa mogo ene.
Naledi Heaven-leigh Boikhutso Love dies – we all have gone through that phase.
It’s much better for her to let the poor husband go and start afresh.
What God has put together no man can part, but if this is not your destined husband, honey pack your bags and leave, Having a child with this man doesn’t mean that your happiness ends there, You are not wrong to feel that way.
Linda Aaron Love needs work to grow, there are times when you feel you don’t love your partner, but that’s just a phase – you need to put you’re your energy and effort in your marriage for it to work.
How many husbands will you have if every time you feel your love is dry you leave the husband and find another man?
Even then you will still reach the same phase you have reached with your current man.
Brandon Theanointedkid Max Tshabatau Divorce dismantles family foundation and traumatizes kids.
Try to build that once upon a time spark and save your family