I’M TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE A MAID
I am staying with my fiancé and his brother who has two kids.
My problem is that my boyfriend does not want his brother to do anything even after eating he cannot tell him to wash his own plate.
I cook,I clean, I do every household chore a woman can do, but the brother does not lift a finger to help.
He brings girls to the house and sleeps with them.
The brother doesn’t say anything but I am talking about someone who doesn’t even know how to buy himself bathing soap.
When I ask my boyfriend if this is how it’s always going to be, allowing his brother to do as he pleases inside the house even after we get married, he just says he doesn’t know.
This is beyond me. I really can’t take it anymore because I too have sisters and brothers, but I can’t allow them to come with their boyfriends or girlfriends in my house that I pay rent for.
Really, this is disrespectful and I’m tired of being treated like a maid. What can I do?
Communication is the key to a healthy relationship, whether it’s with colleagues at work or loved ones at home.
Like the Setswana saying goes, Molemowakgangke go buiwa –meaning the best way to solve problems is to talk about them.
It’s time you made your thoughts and feelings about this situation known – not just to your boyfriend but to his brother too.
Say in no uncertain terms what you want and what you do not want, so that the matter can come out in the open and be discussed by all three of you.
Family meetings happen all the time in most households and if you want to live in peace with your boyfriend and his brother you need to work out which terms and conditions apply.
It is not enough to just ask your boyfriend and get, “I don’t know” for an answer!
You’re a family in a home that needs to be treated as such.
If you feel your boyfriend’s brother ought to make his contribution towards the upkeep of the home (be it simply helping with the dishes), or if you feel that it is disrespectful or in bad taste for him to be bringing girls home to sleep with, then say it out like it is.
Feeling resentful but saying nothing will only add to your frustrations.
It would seem that your fiancée and his brother are of the ‘old school ‘ where men are considered to be exempt from household chores simply because of their gender.
You have no one to blame but yourself if you put up with the status quo and allow yourself to be used in this manner.
No one is holding a gun to your head to do it – you’re free to change whatever you don’t like.
You ask if it will always going to this way well the answer will probably be ‘yes’ as long as you don’t put a stop to it.
And if your boyfriend is not in a hurry to change things now, they are unlikely to improve with marriage.
If the situation doesn’t change after the meeting, perhaps you should consider moving out…after all you’re not married to the guy yet, and would you want to be married to a man under those conditions anyhow? Think about it.
I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HIM
I’m a lady of 26 and have been dating this guy for six months now.
I’ve introduced him to my family but have just found out that he has impregnated someone else.
Now he says he’s leaving me.
Please help me because I really love him and I don’t want to lose him even though he cheated on me.
Unless you are prepared to ‘wake up and smell the coffee,’ I doubt that there’s anything I can help you with.
This is a straightforward matter.
The guy doesn’t love you enough to stay in a relationship with you.
He’s going to have a baby with the other woman; that baby and its mother are forever going to be a part of his life, with or without you in the picture.
Do you really want to be tangled up in a threesome?
For your relationship to work, he must love you back the way you love him, and you have to be able to trust each other.
If he says he’s leaving you even after he has met your family, then he clearly doesn’t love you.
You can’t force him to love you.
Maybe his heart is with the pregnant woman, in which case the best thing you can do for yourself is to let him go and move on with your life.
I have included some tips that might help you and others in the same situation.
SIX TIPS ON HOW TO START TRUSTING AGAIN
……….and find a new and more fulfilling relationship
IT’S OK TO CRY
After you’ve been let down in a relationship, you have to give yourself plenty of time and space to be emotional.
Even if you’re the type of woman to let things build up inside, now isn’t the time to try to act tough.
Face it, you’ve been betrayed by someone you thought cared and loved you.
It’s okay to be mad, cry, and to be less than your happy self.
Letting yourself be emotional is a big part of healing.
DON’T BLAME YOURSELF
After being cheated on, a lot of women tend to blame themselves.
They think that they did something wrong or didn’t do enough to keep their spouse or boyfriend from cheating.
He made the decision to do what he did instead of going about it the right way.
No matter what that voice in the back of your head is trying to tell you, it isn’t your fault so don’t look at yourself in a negative light after having your trust broken.
TALK TO SOMEONE YOU TRUST
Confide in someone you are extremely close to.
Your mother, your sister, a close cousin, or your best friend, now is the time to really rely on them to give you a crying shoulder.
After being cheated on, a lot of women will try to make sense of the whole situation.
But, the fact is that you really can’t make sense out of something so entirely senseless.
Don’t sit around and try to piece things together or try to figure out what went wrong.
Don’t worry about putting the pieces together. Allow yourself to move on.
GIVE YOURSELF TIME
During this time of healing and learning to trust again, the one thing you’ll want to focus on is giving yourself time.
You won’t feel better in a few days, and you won’t be able to trust someone in a few weeks.
It takes time to completely heal and to feel right again in order to start trusting.
There’s no set time for when you’ll “just get over it.”
But without being willing and ready, you won’t get a lot of healing done.
In some cases, you may find that your ex tries to start talking to you again.
He may try to sweet talk you back into the relationship.
When this happens, you want to cut all contact immediately.
There is no need to talk to him in any sense of the word.
It’s over; he betrayed you in the worst way possible.
And to be frank, he doesn’t deserve a second of your attention.
There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship that lacks trust. Instead of dwelling, move on and embrace being single.
NO TWO MEN ARE THE SAME
Finally while there might be some characteristics that you can put down to the typical Motswana man, the fact is that not every man out there is the same.
Not every man will cheat, and not every man is looking to go out there and be a heart breaker.
Don’t let yourself slip into the mindset that every guy is out to hurt you and that you’ll never find a healthy, happy, and trustworthy relationship. You will!
WHERE TO GET HELP
• Lifeline Botswana – 3911290 (Face-to-face Counselling), 3911270 (Telephone Counselling)
• Childline Botswana – 3900900 (Children’s Issues, Counselling, Parenting Skills)
• Men’s Clinic – 3909402 (Male Sexual Health)
• Heart & Hands of Compassion – 73516022 (Face-to-face Counselling)
• BOSASNet – 3959119/72659891 (Substance Abuse Education, Prevention & Rehabilitation)
• BOCAIP – 3916454 (Counselling, HIV Testing, Care & Support)
• Ipoletse HIV/AIDS Call Centre – Toll Free Numbers 0800 600 700 / 711600
• CEYOHO – 3919958/71763659 (Counselling, HIV Stigma Reduction, Behaviour Change, Health Education and Support for Young People)
• Women Against Rape – 6860865 (Counselling, Legal Aid, Emergency Shelter)
• Kagisano Women’s Shelter Project – 3907658/9, 3900516 (Counselling, Medical & Legal Aid Support for Women and Children affected by Domestic Violence)