inset quote: I want to hate my mum for not telling me
I’m a 40-year-old woman who’s had to live with the pain of not knowing her dad for 4 decades.
I grew up telling myself I did not care who my father was because he did not come looking for me.
This was a lie that I used in order to hide the pain and embarrassment that befell me each time my peers talked about their fathers.
I waited for my mother to volunteer the information, but that was not to be.
My uncle also failed to help me. My mother told him “o batla go ntlhakatlhakanyetsadilo” (You want to cause havoc and spoil things for me).
From that point on, I knew that it was not a question of her not knowing how to tell me, but that she had decided she wasn’t going to.
I just had to find my dad, and eventually I did. Upon realizing that I had found him, my mother fell ill.
She is now blaming people for telling me and there is so much tension between us. We have up to now not spoken about this issue.
I want to hate her for making me hate my father, for making me feel so stupid that all this while everyone (except me) knew who was my dad, for making me feel so small, so used, so abused. But then, I can’t bring myself to hate her for what she’s done.
I honestly need someone to help me deal with this matter and find some form of closure.
Thank you so much
What your mother did was unfair, but what is done is done…you cannot undo it.
What you can do is refuse to let it break you. It was not your decision to grow up not knowing your dad, so do not let it dictate who you are today or who you become in the future.
Mothers never think ahead when they keep such secrets, otherwise your mum could have told you the truth for fear that you may end up having an incestuous relationship with a half brother.
Obviously, she had her own reason for keeping the identity of your father a secret from you, selfish as it might be.
There’s no use beating yourself up over it, and there’s no use hating her for what she has done.
What you need to do is make an appointment to talk to a counsellor who will help you deal with your feelings and find a way forward.
Continuing to be stuck in the past and not forgiving those who have wronged you is only going to poison you and damage you for life.
Please call Heart & Hands of Compassion on 73516022 or Lifeline Botswana on 3911290 for face-to-face counselling.
My mother and siblings ill-treat me but I can’t talk to a counsellor because the last one I saw told me that the issue can be solved by me and mum and they did contact her in the UK.
After that, things went from bad to worse. She told me that I’m taking our family issues and telling them to the whole world. I starved that month because she instructed the maid at home not to dish for me for the whole month.
I’m scared of her…but truly I can’t live like this, being tormented by my own mum.
You MUST talk to someone about the abuse you’re being subjected to, even if you’re scared of your mum.
Starving you and accusing you of telling the whole world about your family issues are just tactics that your mother is using to intimidate you and scare you into silence.
Do not despair; there are people out there who can help you. You deserve so much better…you still have your whole life ahead of you!
I know the thought of what your mum could do to you next if she found out you sought help is a scary one; but difficult as it is, you need to be brave and speak out…for your own sake. Silence will not make the problem go away; the abuse is only going to get worse if you do not seek help.
After what happened the last time you spoke to a counsellor, I can understand why you’re now reluctant to talk to one.
What about relatives that you can trust? Is there no aunt, uncle, granny, or even cousin that you can talk to? What about a guidance and counselling teacher if you’re still in school or a pastor if you have one?
Please talk to the Guidance & Counselling teacher at your school or call Childline (3900900) for assistance; otherwise, call Heart & Hands of Compassion (73516022) or Lifeline Botswana on 3911290 for urgent face-to-face counselling.
Let me know which of the above options you think is best and we’ll go with the one you feel is safest for you.
I need your help, please. I am now a 28-year-old woman but have never been sexually aroused. Please help me out.
You need to see a doctor, who will most probably refer you to a gynaecologist or other medical expert as necessary. Yours I believe is a problem that needs medical expertise.