Home » Ask Gase » ASKE GASE 22.02.13

pic-1I REALLY LOVE MY MAN BUT I’VE BEEN CHEATING 

Dear Gase,

I’m a 24-year-old lady and I have been dating this guy for 5 years now.

My problem is that I have been cheating on him since last year because most of the time he is away on work-trips.

The thing is the guy I’m cheating with wants to have a child with me and my boyfriend also wants to have a child with me; so I don’t know what to do because the guy says if I have a child with my boyfriend he will commit suicide.

I really love my man and I don’t want to lose him, but what if this other guy carries out his threats? Help me aunt.

Gase says:

ANSWER

Why are you torn between your boyfriend and the other guy you are having a relationship with?

You say you love your man and do not want to lose him, yet you’re still hanging on to the other guy.

What do you think will happen when your boyfriend finds out? Are you still with the other guy because he’s threatening to commit suicide?

That he’s threatening to commit suicide is no reason to continue cheating on your boyfriend with him.

Perhaps the real reason why it’s not easy for you to leave him is because of all the things you told him when you were playing with his feelings – using him to amuse yourself while your boyfriend was on work-trips.

You don’t say what happens after the baby is born; now that the two of you will have brought a new life into the world, will you and your boyfriend be making any serious commitment to each other to bring up the child together?

I hope you have given this matter enough thought and are not just ready to play baby making machine without thoroughly planning for the baby’s welfare.

You need to decide once and for all which partner you want to be with, and break it off with the other one.

You’re playing a dangerous game; and when threats of suicide start to surface, it’s becoming even more dangerous.

Things could turn nasty unless you act quickly to fix the mess you’ve created.

If you two cannot resolve this matter by yourselves, please seek the help of a counsellor.

If he refuses let him know that you too are in need of counselling and suggest to him that the two of you attend a session together so that you can support each other through this situation.

He needs to meet you halfway to address this issue instead of playing the ‘victim’ card.

Pressurizing you and attempting to force you to succumb to his wishes will certainly not solve the problem.

Please call Heart & Hands of Compassion on 7351 6022 to help you map a way forward.

SIX SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE WASTING TIME IN A RELATIONSHIPPic-2

Plenty of us have stayed in a relationship way longer than we should have.

It’s one thing to discover after a few weeks that you and the guy you were seeing just don’t click – it happens.

But it’s another thing altogether when your feelings have been invested for months – even years – in a guy who you KNOW isn’t right for you, but you can’t seem to let go.

There’s a lesson to be learned in every relationship, whether good or bad, so the trick is learning from each dating experience so you don’t spend time in a dead end relationship.

Not sure if the relationship you’re in is a complete waste of time? Here are six signs that point to YES

1 STUCK IN THE SEX ONLY ZONE

Unlike the girl who’s stuck in the friend only zone, your relationship isn’t based on hanging out and being a reliable shoulder to lean on – it’s based solely on sex.

Most likely, the way you start a relationship will determine it’s course and ultimately how it’ll end – so if you’re looking for him to marry you after you’ve made it clear that you have no problem having no-strings-attached-sex, you may be in for a rude awakening.

One of you will catch feelings while the other just sees you as a warm body to jump off with every now and again.

If you two don’t really go on dates, he won’t see you in daylight, never asks you anything about yourself and never genuinely tries to get to know you, the relationship is going nowhere.

If you’ve managed to fall for him, either tell him how you feel and that you want more, or you cut your ties altogether so that you can try to move on.

Just next time, keep sex out of the relationship until you know that you both are on the same page as far as a relationship goes.

Pic-32. NO COMMITMENT

You’ve been dating a guy for six months and you really think there is potential for a long-term relationship.

The only problem is you can’t get him to talk about where he sees the relationship going and he introduces you to others and even his family as his “friend.”

He tells you that you’re perfect and that he loves spending time with you, but he needs “more time” to figure out what he wants. He’s been hurt before, so he wants to be sure you’re “the one” are all bullshit lines.

If a guy wants you nothing can keep him from you, and he’ll stop at nothing to keep you all for himself.

Don’t waste your time with a guy who won’t claim you or who’s not ready for a commitment.

It won’t matter how great you are or that you’re possibly the best girlfriend he’s ever had – if he’s not ready for a commitment, he’s simply not ready.

3. YOUR’RE NOT COMPATIBLE

Some say that opposites attract, which can be true.

But you and your guy should still share some fundamental core beliefs and values that unite you- otherwise your relationship will wither and die.

He’s an atheist, while you have strong religious beliefs.

He wants children, you don’t. You believe in marriage, he doesn’t.

You’re BDP he’s a BCP supporter – whatever it is…if these are things that cause contention in your relationship, it’s time to end it. If all signs point to the fact that things won’t work out because you simply can’t agree on ANYTHING, it’s time to let go.

4. YOU ALWAYS ARGUE

While some men and women to all they can to avoid confrontation, others thrive on hostility and stay with people who they argue with day in and day out – even though they know it’s a dysfunctional situation.

If you often argue over petty, trivial things, that’s not healthy.

Some may think that arguing demonstrates that you truly love someone. Wrong.

It means that you weren’t meant for each other.

So rather than staying in a bad relationship because you feel that being in a bad relationship is better than being in NO relationship, think more of yourself and leave before your arguments escalate into something more.

You deserve better.

5. THERE’S PHYSICAL/VERBAL ABUSE

This should go without saying, but if you’re in a physically abusive relationship, but feel it’ll get better, you’re wasting your time…and possibly risking your life.

Love is not supposed to hurt and thinking he’ll change is wishful thinking indeed.

Again, some women feel that if a man raises his hand to her, it must be because he really loves her or because she brought it on herself.

Even if he isn’t hitting her, mean words lashed out can hurt just as bad as a fist.

Abusive men prey on women with self-esteem issues so that they can manipulate them into staying with him, making her feel like she can’t find another man who will “love” her like he does.

If this is you, wake up, get out, and get help. If a man loves you, he’ll never, ever want to hurt you – physically, emotionally or otherwise.

6. HE’S MARRIED

Probably the worst case of a woman staying in a going nowhere relationship longer than she should is the case of the mistress who thinks her married “boyfriend” will leave his wife for her.

It’s possible that he could leave his wife for his side-piece, but that almost never happens.

If he did, would a woman really trust him not to do the same exact thing to her with another woman?

It’s a lose-lose situation and deep down, the mistress knows that she’d never be able to trust him, but she wants to “win” anyway.

If you’re dating a married man, he’s no prize…and you’re setting yourself up for some bad feelings – unless you’re only in it for the money, in which case you deserve to feel bad.

But it’s not too late to come to your senses and leave the married or committed cheater alone and get some self-respect.

There are plenty of available men out there, so stop wasting time with someone else’s husband and find your own man.


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