ASK GASE 15/02/13


Sis Gase I’m writing to you with a sore heart and I really don’t know what to do. My ex and I have a 9- year-0 old daughter.

He started staying with the child while we were still together but we broke up a few years ago.

He asked to continue staying with her as he intended to enrol her at an English medium school where he’s based.

I agreed as it was to the benefit to the child. He then got married and decided to take our daughter out of the English medium school to go attend at a Tswana medium school, staying with his wife away from him in another town.

He did this without consulting me first, so I did not agree to this new arrangement.

I then decided to stay with the child, for her to continue her studies under my care since she was no longer staying with my ex but with his wife.

Since I took her, his father does not want to take care of her anymore.

When I ask him why he is not supporting his daughter financially all he says is that he does not have money.

I remember phoning him telling him that the child needs a new uniform and he gave me the same answer. What should I do Sis Gase?

I do not understand why your ex would decide to move the child out of  private school  to a public school and even ship her off to stay with his wife in another town without consulting you.

Did you ever ask him why he did this or did you just take the child without finding out what had informed his decision?

Communication plays a very important role in making sure that the relationships we have with those around us run smoothly; if we do not understand why others do certain things, we should ask them to explain, so that we can all be on the same page.

That way, we can eliminate or minimise conflicts because whatever action we decide to take in response will be an informed one.

Perhaps the manner in which you took the child away from his wife upset him and he decided to allow you the space to raise the child by yourself. Unfortunately, concluding this matter is not as simple as that; the two of you brought this child into the world and you both have a responsibility towards her upbringing.

I suggest you set up a meeting with your ex to discuss the child’s welfare. The two of you must discuss the child’s day-to-day needs and agree on how you’re going to provide for those needs.

Currently, you’re the one raising the child and if he has a source of income then he should play his part in providing for the child; that he does not have money’ is not an acceptable answer.

If you still can’t make him see reason, ask your elders to intervene. Also, find out if and how the social workers and children’s organizations such as Childline Botswana (3900900) can assist you.

If all else fails, you will have no option but to report him to the magistrate’s court so that the law can force him to pay maintenance for the child.

I sincerely hope though, that the two of you can sort out this issue like mature adults and that you will not have to resort to the law.

Things will work out far much better if the two of you remain on good terms so that you can both fully attend to the needs of the child.


My fiancé is living a lie; I want to call off the wedding before it’s too late.

He has spent the last seven days without talking to me, after I found out the truth.

I’ve told my parents and am waiting for my uncles to go and meet with his family. Please help.

So he’s not the person you thought he was…what exactly have you discovered about him, for you to conclude that he’s living a lie?

I guess it must be something really serious if you’re intending to call off the wedding.

He has to realize that giving you the silent treatment is not going to solve the problem; in fact, it can only make things worse.

Therefore, the two of you need to meet and discuss this issue so that he can explain himself, if at all it’s something he will be able to explain.

From what I gather, he’s in too deep! I suspect he’s not talking to you because his cover has been blown and he’s feeling cornered.

He’s probably spending sleepless nights trying to regroup…strategizing how best to resolve the issue, now that his secret is out in the open.

Be thankful that God opened your eyes to the truth before you married this guy; whatever it is, the experience of discovering it after marrying him would have been far worse.

Have you really thought things over and concluded that there’s no other way but to call off the wedding?

Whatever your final decision, please make sure that it’s really what you want and that you will have no regrets later about calling off the wedding.

Seek counseling if in doubt; you can call Heart & Hands of Compassion on 7351 6022, or Lifeline Botswana on 3911290 to make an appointment for face-to-face counseling.

When you’re absolutely certain that you’re taking the right action, your parents can then send your uncles to meet with his family.

In the meantime, it seems your fiancé has put the wedding on hold, as you obviously cannot be expected to marry a man who’s not talking to you!

wet-dreamsWET DREAMS…  

Hello aunty Gase. I have a problem…often, I find myself messed up due to wet dreams.

You do not say what your age is; therefore I’m not sure if you’re an adult or someone going through puberty.

A wet dream happens when a man ejaculates while sleeping and “is not usually under the person’s control”.

It is said to happen often in adolescence, but some men have wet dreams right into adulthood.

Research also shows that women too can have wet dreams; therefore “it is perfectly natural, common, and nothing to be embarrassed about.”

As an uninformed teenager, you’re most likely to begin worrying about wet dreams due to relentless teasing from people who take delight in making you feel like you’ve done something wrong.

My advice to you is, just ignore such people and their misplaced theories about the meaning of wet dreams; they (wet dreams) “are a normal part of the many things that are changing in the body during puberty.

Not all boys have wet dreams and that’s okay too, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.

If you do have a wet dream, it just means your body is maturing sexually, which is a step towards becoming an adult.”

If you’re a grown man, just know that wet dreams do not end after puberty.

“A wet dream is the male’s body’s response to having a lot of semen built up in the body if it not released during intercourse or self stimulation.

A male can only go so long without ejaculating; otherwise it is done during sleep.

Although many men don’t have frequent wet dreams (also called “nocturnal emissions” in science-speak) after adolescence, some men continue to have wet dreams well into adulthood.”

If the wet dreams really do worry you even after this response, please make an appointment to see a medical doctor for expert input.

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