Home » Ask Gase » ASK GASE 16.11.12

MY PARTNER’S BROTHER HAS MOVED IN WITH US 

Dear Gase,

I used to rent a one-roomed house and my boyfriend was staying with his brother at the time.

Then I decided that since he would sleep at my place and wake up early in the morning for work, why not spare the stress and move in with me.

That is what he did and we stayed for a year in that house. He then bought a plot in Gaborone and I helped him financially to build a house on that plot so that he could move his belongings into it.

After the house got completed the brother moved into it. My 9-year-old daughter was not staying with us, but she used to visit every month end and during the school holidays.

We then decided that it was not healthy for the child so we moved into a bigger house.
Now the brother has come to live with us, without me being consulted.

My daughter is coming to stay full time at the end of this year. The house we are currently staying in is a two-bedroomed house, so where is the brother going to sleep when my daughter comes? We never have any time alone; his brother is always there.
When I raise this issue my boyfriend tells me that he will tell his brother that I said I don’t want him…but all I am saying is that we need quality time together.

I am talking about a brother who is already a father, but everywhere we go he is with us. I even asked my boyfriend that since he wants us to stay with his brother why not rent out the house we built because nobody stays in it.
I know I did not do myself justice by staying with someone without us being married, but what should I do?

Gase says..

I don’t understand why you chose to help your boyfriend build his house – the smart thing would have been to find yourself a plot and start building your own. Now you have to continue paying rent because you spent your hard-earned money helping to build a house that is of no benefit to you!

The thing that causes miscommunication between people is that sometimes we do not say what we want in a straightforward manner. It should be easy to explain to your boyfriend exactly how you feel about this whole situation.

Why can’t you just tell him that you don’t need his brother tagging along everywhere you go? Where, when and how you say it will determine the impact of your words. Do not bring up the subject when you’re feeling resentful and angry; it’ll just cause you to say things that you may regret in the future. Find a good time to talk this over with your boyfriend, away from his brother, when you’re both relaxed and not feeling stressed.

Your boyfriend has figured out how to pressure you into accepting things that you’re not comfortable with…that is why when you ask about the crowded situation in the house he resorts to making you feel guilty by threatening to tell his brother that you do not want him. You’ve allowed yourself to be sponged on, manipulated and used for too long, that is why your boyfriend didn’t even have the courtesy to consult you when his brother moved in.

Maybe your boyfriend has a plan regarding how the accommodation issue is going to be resolved when your daughter comes to stay with you permanently. Ask him, and while you’re at it, let him tell you what he intends to do with his house since he’s not renting it out and neither him nor his brother stays in it.

You’re allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, and it’s time you put a stop to it. I can’t do it for you…only you can

I AM SO CONFUSED

Dear Gase,

My girlfriend has just packed her bags and left my house. It’s almost four weeks now, and I don’t know if it’s over or not. She sent a message accusing me of cheating on her, saying the reason I don’t give her enough money is because I give part of it to another girl.

She has left home several times before, dating other men who drive nice cars and give her more than I can. The sad part of our relationship is I will always welcome her home because of the love that I have for her. I want you to help me to move on with life since I don’t want to be left home, and when things don’t go well for someone, I am the spare wheel to return to.

I am not saying I have been clean the whole time we have been together – my problem is it’s not easy for me to move on.

Whenever I want to propose love to someone new I ask myself questions – and end feeling that I might hurt them. Please help me. I have given my life to Christ so I want to know how I should deal with such things.

Gase says..

Much as you love her, your girlfriend sounds very much like a user and a gold-digger.

Her leaving and not telling you whether or not she has broken up with you suggests that she doesn’t love you anymore (if she ever did), but wants to keep you for a ‘rainy day.’ She knows how much you love her, and that you’ll always take her back if things don’t go according to plan.

The lady has left you before for men who drive fancy cars and can provide for her better than you can, but you still take her back. Those men probably have their own girlfriends or wives; she’s using them for money and they are using her whatever she provides for them.

Unfortunately for her, the men are already taken, so she has to keep coming back to you, the ‘spare wheel’. For as long as you will allow her she’s going to keep coming back until she has squeezed your last thebe out of you.

That’s all she wants…surely you don’t believe she loves you? I bet she laughs her butt off just thinking what a foolish man you are! Look, it’s your heart; if you want to give it to your ‘girlfriend’ to trample on and shred it to pieces, I can’t stop you…the choice is yours.

You can choose to free yourself and not continue to be a slave to this woman, or you can stick with her and see where your misplaced love leads you.

Moving on doesn’t mean going out of your way to find someone to replace her – ‘Someone new’ has to be someone you genuinely have feelings for, not someone you want to use to fill a void.

Since you’ve given your life to Christ, I recommend that you also seek counselling from your pastor for further guidance.

HAVE YOUR SAY
Some of your comments from facebook

Kemo Ramotlopi: You keep on talking about her, she wants this and that. It is more about her, but when is it going to be about you? There are a lot of sick things happening out there so just cut her out of your life for good otherwise you will get deeply hurt.

Maria Maithamako:
At least you admit that you were never perfect yourself, that is a good thing to start with. You need to talk to her in person to let her tell you where the problem is. Maybe you can settle your differences, leave the past behind and start over. However it does look like she values money more that your relationship, so maybe it is high time you ask yourself if this girl is really what you want.

Onneile Alfred Julius: We were in the same boat. I let go of my boyfriend to leave. Look at me now, I am happy with my child and my parents. Forget about all that and focus on your happiness. You still have a long way to go so put your life on the hands of Christ and you will be free.

FarRiss DanSon Jr.: Welcome to the world -beware. If a woman complains about money then there is no relationship because she is supposed to be a homebuilder not making you a money link. Know your worth and move on with your life. I don’t think you are up for that ‘no money no love.’

Fred-die Mogomotsi: These days it’s not easy to find a real traditional woman who will know that life doesn’t end if you’re not meeting her demands.
But woman should also meet their man’s demands. It works both ways. So my advice would be to find a third party and say all u want to say. Consider the way forward; outline what good things each of you have done towards the relationship and what you both think you might not be doing right. Furthermore, ask her to find God, respect and fear him. Lastly, talk about the health dangers like HIV/AIDS because many people suffer in the name of love due to selfishness of their partners. 

I HAVE FEELINGS FOR A GUY BUT I AM AFRAID TO TELL HIM 

Dear Gase,

I met this guy some time ago and after a while began to have feelings for him; I never told him how I felt. I saw him again later on, and my feelings for him grew stronger. I did not know what to do.

Recently he transferred to the same school I attend. Immediately he came to the school my best friend was kind to him…she started talking to him regularly.

I did not know what to do because all my friends know that I like him but my best friend doesn’t care. I tried to teach her a lesson but it only drew them closer.

I don’t know what to do…should I tell him how I feel or should I just keep quiet because I am afraid he might reject me and my best friend might rub it in my face? I might get teased.

Gase says..

You sound like you’re still in high school; if you were older, I’d advise you to go ahead and tell him how you feel.

But the school environment can be harsh because everyone knows everyone else’s business, which can lead to endless teasing.

You don’t want to end up rejected, being the laughing stock of the school and feeling miserable. I suggest you concentrate on your studies and don’t dwell too much on getting this guy, especially that your best friend is also in the picture.

He probably knows how you feel about him, so let him be…if he likes you back he’ll start talking to you and spending time with you like he does with your best friend. There’s a saying that, ‘ If you love something, set it free; if it comes back to you, it’s yours…if it doesn’t, it never was!’


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