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  • My ‘wife’ cheats on me but I can’t stop loving her

Dear Gase,

I have been dating this lady for almost two years and we have had many challenges along the way. We were planning on getting married, but I found out she was cheating on me so I ended up calling everything off.
This is not the first time this has happened, but we’ve always come back to each other because I love her so much.
It seems that she does not respect or accept me because you leaves home for other men (and they are many in number) comparing my salary with how much they earn. I want you to help me because although I want to move on I can’t. She is always in my heart and I can’t think of finding another woman.
How do I deal with such a situation?
I love God and I want to live for God. Also, I had a dream where one of the prophets was saying I should not leave my wife…but I’m not married. This is tormenting me because whenever I want to move on she comes into my mind since she is the one I had wanted to be my wife. Someone was telling me that our souls are tied together.
Help me! I love her but I’ve lost trust in her. Now she wants to come back.
Gase says..
The simple answer to your problem would be –“Get a life and move on!”
It’s great that you love God and want to live for Him. I hope you’re praying very hard for divine intervention because clearly this woman has you twisted around her little finger!
She’s in the habit of leaving you for other men who earn better salaries…surely that must tell you something about the nature and quality of your relationship?
She’s a user and a gold digger who has blatantly cheated on you for material gain from other men. What more of a reality check do you want before you understand that she doesn’t love you?
Why have you resigned yourself to this miserable life? You know that she cheats on you with many men, but you still want her in your life- are you prepared for the consequences? Who are you going to blame when she brings you HIV and/or some other STI – nobody but yourself.
It’s not true that you can’t move on and find another woman it’s all in your mind. But for as long as you believe that she’s the chosen one, moving on or finding someone else will be difficult.
End the doubts- either accept the lady as she is, admitting the fact that she cheats and yet is still part of you, or end the relationship. Don’t get caught in the grey area in-between.
As for the dream you had about a prophet telling you not to leave your wife, that’s all it is – a dream.
Wake up to reality!


Dear Gase,

Since I have been involved in relationships I have never been happy. 

It happens that when I go out with a guy at first he will tell me that I am the only person in his life, promising to be honest and caring. After few months I will realise a great change (failing to keep promises) then the guy will tell me that he has got a girlfriend that he has been going out with for some years, or even that they have a child.
By that time I would have already concluded that he’s the one, my soul mate, and I’d be deeply in love. I would then ask the guy to leave me in peace since he has got a lover. To my surprise he will oblige and simply go away, just like that -leaving me wondering what is it exactly that he was up to. Help me, I have got a broken heart and I am wondering if I will ever be happy in my life. What is wrong with me and how do I cope with this situation?

Gase says..
Perhaps there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you – it could be that you have so far been unfortunate in that you’ve met and given your heart to the wrong guys.
But then again, you need to take a step back and take a good look at yourself. Are you the kind of person who opens up and becomes too absorbed in a relationship too quickly? Are you perhaps too trusting from the word go, and give 100% of yourself before you really get to know what kind of person you’re involved with? Are you desperate to have a man in your life? If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions then that is where your problem lies.
There are many guys nowadays who are just out to play the ladies, especially gullible ones like you. I’m sure you know this, but you just don’t want to believe that it can happen to you. That is a common mistake that women make.
Take your time to observe things, get to know the guy better before you fall helplessly and hopelessly in love. We are meant to learn from our mistakes, and if you don’t seem to be learning anything then you have a big problem because life will constantly kick you where it hurts the most.
These guys have been playing you big time and you have allowed it to happen to you more than once. You’ve become blind to reality just because you’re desperate to keep a man.
Do not let these hurts blind you to the worth you feel for yourself. There is no blame here, only the need for self –realisation. Do not stop loving yourself.
I’m sure you’re an intelligent enough woman, so start behaving like one – open your eyes!


Dear Gase,
I am a Motswana male of 35 years. I hope you will be able to assist me just like you have helped others. I have been having a strong feeling or desire to sleep with another male since I was 18 years old.
The feeling has been growing stronger and stronger over the years to the extent that I once thought of committing a serious crime so that I could go to jail, where we are informed sex with male partners is in high demand and easily accessible. In the outside world, I do not even know where to start. I have tried hard to live a straight life but it’s difficult. What makes my problem even more serious is that I feel like a lady inside but it’s difficult for me to approach a man for sex. At the same time I do not act like other gay ‘ladies’ that I always see on the street or on TV. I am trying to be as open as possible. I’ve tried to ignore this feeling but it’s affecting everything in my life. I just want to be myself – please help me.
Gase says..
Ignoring your feelings will not make them go away. Trying to live a life that does not seem natural to you will only frustrate and confuse you even more. I am not best placed to give advice on this topic and would suggest that you contact LEGABIBO (Lesbians, Gays and Bisexuals of Botswana).
Check out their web-site or phone 3932516.


Dear Gase,
I have been in love with this girl for almost seven months. She has been cheating in our relationship – often at weekends she will sneak out to be with another guy and when I asked her about her relationship she would say they are ‘just friends.’
One day I saw a SMS on her phone professing love to another guy where she was explaining how desperate she was that she lost him after he impregnated her. Right now she’s pregnant and claiming I’m responsible for that pregnancy – please advise.

Gase says..
First of all, you need to have a serious discussion with her about this matter. If you’re not sure what exactly was going on with all the sneaking out over weekends ask her to explain everything so that you can get the facts right. No fighting please, for your own good it’s important that the two of you discuss the issue in a civilised manner.
DNA testing during pregnancy is not usual in Botswana, so you will probably have to wait until the baby is born to be sure of the paternity. In the meantime you need to sort something out with your girlfriend.
Should your discussions end in a deadlock it would not be a bad idea to request one of your relatives (or trusted friends/workmates) and one of hers, to be present the next time you discuss the matter, just so they can mediate and/or intervene should the need arise.


Some of your comments from Facebook

Polite Ncube Setaelo: Eish, this story is happening to me right now.

Keitumetse Sadi Sebodu : Run away and never look back. When the baby is born you can go for paternity tests, if the baby is yours pay maintenance. Also go for HIV test, unprotected sex in a love triangle= big problem!

Kaone Motegele: Do a paternity test then after that run as fast as u can – faster than Nigel Amos

Ntebs Reineetse: Have you slept wit her with no protection? If yes then wait 4 the baby to be born and do some DNA tests. If the baby turns out to be yours, take your child. It doesn’t matter being a single dad!

Tracy Mosweu: Sometimes when we seek advice we always portray ourselves as the victims, let us not judge the lady yet. Before you decide to leave, find out what went wrong, why is she keeping it from you, why is she still with you? Confirm the kid’s paternity and take it from there, decide what you want for yourself? It’s not always that when we are deceived we break up. Think about it.





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