I am in a relationship with a girl whose father is my work mate; we are also neighbours. He doesn’t know about us and I guess we are wasting time being together because if he finds out he is not going to like it and we will have to part ways again. We are both not free because of this problem. My girlfriend loves me but at times I feel I want to be alone; I’m just doing it for her, not to hurt her, but personally I know I want to be off the relationship. I’m confused and feel like I’m wasting her time as well as mine. What do I do to tell her I want out of the relationship? I’m 24 and she’s 20.
I was wondering why you think her dad is not going to like it when he finds out about your relationship; could it be that you know her dad is on to you? Is it possible he’d know you’re just fooling around and playing with his daughter’s feelings? You say that if her dad finds out you two will have to part ways again; this implies you’ve parted ways before. May I know why?
It seems to me that you have another reason for not being free in this relationship. It may very well be that she doesn’t feel free because she knows her dad will not approve of the relationship if he finds out; but as for you, the other reason why you’re uncomfortable could be because you know you’re misleading her into thinking you love her back when you know you don’t. The reason why I’ve concluded that you probably do not love her back is because you say that you’re just doing it for her, not to hurt her. Let me tell you something; there’s no such thing as ‘just doing it for her’. You cannot be in a relationship just for the other person! A romantic relationship is about two people, and if you’re in it just because you ‘don’t want to hurt her’ then you’re being dishonest, hurtful and downright cruel.
You say that you are confused. You really shouldn’t be confused about anything here. It’s very clear and straightforward because you’ve said it yourself that you’re wasting your time and hers…and you want out. The only problem I see here is that you may still be hanging around for selfish reasons. You know she loves you and you may be using her to amuse yourself before you move on.
If so, perhaps you should just do the young lady a favour and end this relationship now. I can understand why you’re trying to protect her feelings by continuing to be with her when you know the relationship is not real, but it’s a big mistake and if you continue to string her along when you know for a fact that you’re wasting her time; she’ll be even more hurt when she finds out later. Better be honest with her now because the sooner she deals with the disappointment the better. It’s painful, but that’s life. You cannot be in a relationship where the love is one-sided. Please be gentle with her should you decide to end the relationship; if you feel that telling her the whole truth would be too harsh, then just give her half the truth by saying you’re afraid of the consequences should her dad find out about the two of you. If she’s taking it badly and not coping very well you can always advise her to seek counselling at Lifeline Botswana, 3911270 / 3911290, or she can write to me if she so wishes. Speak to a counsellor yourself if you’re still feeling confused, or Skype me at gaizgal.
Thanks for the response sis Gase. I get all you are saying and it makes me feel like a bad person for not telling her earlier what I think of the relationship. Like I said, we are neighbours and whoever I bring home (either my sister, cousins, or friends) I have to explain who they are because her sisters are always spying on me and telling her I’m cheating on her. I’m not free to even just walk by them as I think they talk about me every time they see me. We love each other but what really disturbs me is that her father is very strict with his daughters. He does not expect my girlfriend to be dating and now we have to be indoors every time we meet so that he won’t see us. That is why I say he won’t like it if he finds out about us, more so that we’re always together. We have nine months together, surviving this way. It sounds and seems like I’m selfish and that’s why I asked for help from you. I have asked her what we should do with this situation and she said we should wait for whatever will happen when her dad finds out…whether or not he will approve of our relationship. This is where the time wasting comes in, as far as I’m concerned; waiting to find out what her dad’s reaction will be when he finds out about us.
In your first email you said you want out of the relationship and are just doing it for her; you even asked what you should do to tell her you’re off the relationship…that’s why I concluded that you’re just playing with her feelings by continuing to be with her when you know you want out.
However, your last email paints a different picture because you say the two of you love each other and are together every day. It must be really tough for you both because you have to be indoors all the time so her dad won’t see you. That is not a healthy situation especially for young people like you. At your age I expect you to be dating for real…taking walks together, going to watch your favourite movies, partying or attending other events that young people go to…certainly not cooped up indoors all the time! As if that isn’t enough, her sisters spy on you and fill her head with negative stuff. That is not the way two vibrant young people who are in love should be living, so I suggest you take your life back, start living and not merely existing. Otherwise your current situation is going to cause you so much stress your relationship may not survive the strain.
Are you prepared to wait in suspense not knowing what will become of you when her dad eventually finds out? Your girlfriend’s suggestion to wait and see what will happen seems a bit risky to me. If her dad is strict and does not expect her to be dating at the age of 20, is he not going to be furious when he finds out? What do you think will be your fate then? He’s going to feel deceived that this relationship has been secretly going on right under his nose and the longer you two hide it from him the worse the outcome will be when he finds out. In other words, the two of you are sitting on a time bomb. You know it’s going to explode one day, right? Maybe sooner than you think, so I hope the two of you are prepared to face whatever consequences are in store for you.
You and your girlfriend can do one of two things; 1) she can tell her dad that she’s dating you and apologize for sneaking behind his back. That way the two of you will know immediately what his take on the relationship is, i.e. whether or not he approves. Or, 2) before you’re found out, the two of you can call off the relationship until she reaches the age when her dad feels she’s old enough to be in a relationship. Either way, you’ll be able to release yourselves from the stress of your current situation because continuing to sneak behind her dad’s back certainly isn’t a smart thing to do.
The two of you should weigh your options and decide on the best way forward. Good luck!
Thanks again sis Gase. I will get back to you after talking to her.